These are journal entries from the summer when I was struggling to get free from sin. When I had to constantly dwell on what God said and persevere for my heart. This is a reflection of every moment in my mind and heart.

Journal entry from July
7-1-07

Wow, the month of July is here – God, I’m excited about this week. Enable me to get my work done and accomplish much. I think this paper is coming down to size. With you God it is possible… (academia is probably the biggest challenge that I ever face. Learning from reading and organizing my thoughts takes a ton of time.)
Make it hard not to walk in obedience. Release me from the fowler’s snare – only you can. For your name’s sake o Lord; I bear your name. I have been bought with the precious blood of Jesus. Make me live out the reality that I am His and He is mine. Don’t let me disobey you Lord. Make it hard to continue in disobedience. Lord Break my heart for You. Restore your joy to my soul.
In your presence there is fullness of Joy. Melody means a joyful life. That means my life is to be lived in the presence of God. I feel like I’m about to have a message to share: sin, obedience, joy. The mind controlled by the Spirit. A joyful life will happen when you live in the presence of God. No greater joy abounds than in the presence of God. Clean my heart. Let me walk in your wholeness. Take away my soul-ties except for yours O Lord. Cleanse me from the bondage of sin. Rain down your righteousness into my heart. I’m sad that I have to let go of the things you gave me that were great gifts, but I held onto the gift instead of having openness with it - but it’s worth it to give you all the control.

7-20-07

…the night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light!
Rather clothe yourself with the Lord Jesus and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.
Lord Jesus, I cast myself at your feet. Be merciful to me. Deliver me from all my sin. Make me to not think about myself. God, I want to find you this summer. God, put my focus on you. Make me to walk as a child of light! Not groping around in my sin; that’s not was I was created for. I was created for you and living any other way doesn’t work. It makes you feel awful; it’s not peaceful. God, take me back to your light and create in me a clean heart. Press on to acknowledge You Lord. I long to be free.

7-21-07

You are from everlasting…set my heart on fire. Let me dwell in the light of your presence. God, I ask for an awesome focus today and tomorrow to write my paper. I ask for your presence, your power, your love, and control to guide me through this next week. God, I need your help. I desire so much to live for you. Make my mouth and heart close to you. I ask that one day I would be doing your work always. Showing others You. Build up the walls of Jerusalem. In your good pleasure make Zion prosper.


Savior like a Shepherd lead us much we need Thy tender care.
In Thy pleasant pastures feed us for our use Thy folds prepare.
Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus. Thou hast bought me I am yours.
Blessed Jesus, blessed Jesus. You have bought me I am yours.

feelings ?? or truth

"cause i feel like it! okay!
three days ago i was reading an article on homosexuality that was explaining to children how to tell their parents they were gay. one of the main words used was: feel.
the article said for the person to say how long they had these feelings and then the article said, "it is such an overwhelming feeling."
the truth about feelings is that they often don't coincide with what is right. many of our feelings will lead us down a dark and more dark path.
i can sit here and think about all the things i have felt like doing before, a lot of them would have negative consequences. our society is a feeling driven atmosphere. we think that if we feel it then we are free to do it. but then at the same time most people will say that it's not okay to kill someone even if you feel like it....then why is it okay to wear a low cut top that shows too much skin or sleep with your boyfriend or have sex with anyone...cause it feels good? what kind of practical decision making is that?

where did my most intense feelings get me? what i thought felt good eventually turned into an unhappy mess. where did my most intense feelings flow from? hurt. those feelings have been reset because i took them to Jesus and are replaced now with healthy feelings that lead to healthy things. until we match our feelings with the Word we cannot be so sure as to follow them. this society has become much of what Romans 1 describes. God has given us over to our sinful desires. most of us feel sinful desires and because we don't know the truth we follow our feelings wherever they take us.
instead of allowing feelings to control you take your feelings to God and allow His Spirit to control you. You will enjoy your life far more.

ps. postmodernism flows from the mindset that you can do what you think is right for you. if you operate from that presupposition the things that you will think are right will flow from feelings and experiences.