Beverly Harris: One of My Heros

1 a.m. july 19, 2008
sound asleep the phone rings. i grab the phone and answer. uncle joel says, "mom just passed...she's gone."
immediately i felt relieved; "no more suffering for nonnie."
as my grandfather, pop, and I drove to the hospital there was silence. when we finally made it into the hospital we walked into the room where we had left nonnie only a few hours ago. she was lying there, hair combed backwards (not sure why hospice did that), hands folded, eyes closed, mouth open as she died trying to take another breath...

October 2007
i sat in lynchburg VA praying. "God i just feel like no one is taking care of nonnie and she needs help; things with pop are too much for her to handle alone. please put me where you want me to be." (my grandfather's dementia was getting to much for her to handle alone)
In november I talked to nonnie about coming home and felt that i soon would.
In december nonnie was diagnosed with cancer and i felt more and more like i needed to go home. my hope was to find a part time job and help out nonnie. in lynchburg i was never able to find a job in pensacola. so in february i just quit my job and moved home.

nonnie had surgery to remove the cancer tumors in early february 08. she was to have recovered by the time i got home. but when i came home she wasn't able to do much.
the day after i got home i was asked to move over there and would end up living there the next 5 mo. to take care of nonnie and pop.

most people would say what a respectable thing i was doing. many people praised me...but the truth is that this was the climax of my selfishness. at this time in my life i was extremely confused about what God wanted me to do in life. i was looking into all kinds of internships because i wanted to go and serve God somewhere w/like minded people. and do something to build the kingdom. i had been in college and grad school and was tired of books...i was ready to do some hands on ministry. so almost the whole time while i was at nonnies, apparently serving them, 50% of my brain and energy was thinking about myself and what I should be and could be doing for God.
The funniest part is that while i was in lynchburg it was heavy on my heart to come home and help nonnie ...what hapened? i think what happens to a lot of people...because i wasn't sure of my mission and what God had said to me and done to make this possible i began to think about myself instead of the mission at hand. I was right where I had prayed and asked God to be, but even more. I lived at nonnies, worked there, they paid me, i got to be with her...isn't that was I was praying for in lynchburg? the flesh and the enemy are always working to make us ineffective for today.
i wish that i could've seen that God was giving me the hands on service that i was looking for - even though it wasn't so called 'working for a ministry.' this fact is very regretful to me. i wish that i could have served nonnie 100% but many days i was totally overcome with thoughts of: i wish i could go read my Bible and sit down, what am i going to do w/ my spiritual gifts, where should i go, what about this or that, how will i pay for that....

for the past two years i had been highly frustrated with myself because i was lacking in practically serving others. i loved to just sit down and talk to people but i would not do things for people that i saw needed to be done: wash the dishes, help with random things, clean...i just hated doing things and it made me so frustrated that i was like that. i wanted to change and prayed and prayed.

when i got to nonnies all i did was do do do and i was really struggling because i wanted to do what i wanted and was used to doing...sitting, reading my bible, reading, talking. this is not practical living. and i realized that i was extremely selfish to want to read the Bible when i should embrace serving and helping my grandmother. "whatever you have done to the least of these you have done unto me." I missed a perfect opportunity to serve Jesus.
sometime in the summer i talked to my friend katie and we talked about my frustration in serving and how i couldn't change myself. for some reason, after that conversation my attitude changed for the better. still, the whole time at nonnie's i was not able to serve 100%.
(it wouldn't be until the next year that God would finally change my heart and show me how to serve 100% today, and not think about myself anymore - or hardly)

God did so much more than i could've ever asked...answered more prayers than i ever prayed and blessed me tremendously during this time, as selfish as i was. and he taught me some real things about physical suffering from watching nonnie.

i never thought i would care for nonnie to her death. ever since i could remember nonnie was apart of my life. we did all sorts of things together...reading books, riding bikes, traveling, driving, playing intruments together, talking about God, and just being friends. i truly loved her.
even though i had told myself many times, prepared myself for the ineventful, that one day she would be gone, i neverrrrrrr thought loosing her would be as bad as it was and is...

one day i was on a run in Navy Point, about 2mi from nonnies, (i would go for runs in the evenings sometimes and watch the sunset as i ran along the trail next to the water...nonnie and pop lived on the bayou) and i asked God, "why does nonnie have to keep suffering so much? all i see is her being in so much discomfort all the time and so weak...why?" She's loosing so much weight. She's so weak. She doesn't even look the same. I have to help her up. She's dying before my eyes.
i heard, "my Son suffered more than anyone. if nonnie's suffering affects you so, how much more should the suffering and death of my Son impact you daily?"
I thought wow...Jesus' death and suffering hasn't really impacted me that much, how sad! why is my heart so dull to such a life changing reality? God change me! I have thought and thought about this and keep asking God to change me. In reading John's Gospel Jesus said that the work of God is to "believe in the one whom he has sent." If i really believed in Jesus what would my life look like? God change me!

everyday with nonnie i felt like i was in shock, especially the last 3mo. at many points i wanted to sit down and cry, but there was no time and by the end of the day i was exhausted. i didn't cry the whole time i was over there. and i could feel the build up.

two weeks after nonnie died i began to ask God, "why did nonnie die?" I would see people in their 80's and think of how cool it would've been for nonnie to live into her 80's...why didn't she? I felt anger and much grief...all i could see and think about was her suffering and how grose it was watching her shribble up.
as soon as i asked God it shot back in my head, "the wages of sin is death." i sad woah! i could see how lots of sins had caused nonnies death and sin in general. there were several things over the past year that really had caused a ton of stress in nonnie's (trying to take care of pop by herself, pretending like she could go on with her normal life and everything was normal, not accepting or asking for help. i truly believe if she wouldn't have done those things she'd still be alive. The stress of her situation lead to her death.)

One day i was at my friend miriam's house, which was a place of peace during the 6mo i was in FL, and i felt enormous weight in my heart. the weight of loss, the weight of nonnie's suffering.
i had been praying that God would enable me to cry, to grieve. i felt like all the shock of the past 5mo had hit my heart in a way that it could not recover. i sat down and said; "God will you bring my pain out?!" A few moments later I began to cry and then i heard miriam ask if i was ready to go .... so we went to mrs. bickers house for dinner. afterwards i was playing her 12 string guitar and all the memories of nonnie flooded to my heart. i thought of how God used to her to bring guitar into my life...about how she helped my buy all my instruments and paid for lessons and how we played and sang together to bless others.
i just began to crack and the tears filled my eyes - wow God answers prayers fast.
then again i hear miriam say....what are you doing in there... i answer; "just sitting here."
i go to the bathroom and begin to just loose it. for 5min. i stay in there and try to regain composure. unable to i went out to where everyone was sitting: me, mrs. bicker, miriam, and jerry-lee. i'm sitting there with anguish on my face. miriam asks me how i'm doing and i say, "i miss my grandma." i bend over and just start to cry. miriam sits up and leans forward. i start crying more and say, "i've got to go." thankfully miriam drove us back to her house. i cried the whole way and wept bitterly. thankfully they didn't care that i had cut the evening short. i just couldn't stop crying. when we got to miriams jerry-lee went in and eventually me and miriam prayed. She cried too...i've never had a friend cry with me before. We prayed and I felt much better and so tierd from all the crying.

for months nonnie's memory would be a terrible pain and memory still in my heart and mind. i just couldn't move past all the suffering i saw her go through day after day. i did not know how to move on. i would have dreams about her suffering and i would cry often about it. sometimes i would get so sad that i couldn't do anything. i told God i must have healing from this because it would hit me sometimes and make me useless.
during the summer of 2009 three events happened that brought healing to my heart

i was talking to my friend susanne about how i could not move past the suffering of nonnie. ( i thought how amazing it was that God said what He did to me about Jesus suffering, oh how that should affect me much more...and i think it is more.) I needed healing because it just hurt so much inside.
That night there was a service for the summer program we were involved in. it was outside in the dark by a candle. amazing! i sat down and just started cry and just poured out the saddness. i said God please heal me.
The next morning I was sitting outside as the sun rose high in the sky. i closed my eyes and saw bright light from the sun. immediately malichi poped into my head and i thought; "the sun of righteousness will rise on you with healing in his wings and you will go forth ..." "those who are absent from the body are present with the Lord." I felt that nonnie was with the Lord and that He, the Son of Righteousness, had risen on my that morning with healing for me. I felt the pain was gone....nonnies suffering was over for me too!

a forth thing that happened was when i was outside of a meeting hall at River Valley Ranch later in the summer. the speaker was giving the Gospel. He then began to quote from Romans..."the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Immediately i sat down and started crying. what God had said to me many months before about nonnie's death was in my mind. He had said, "the wages of sin is death." I never thought about the second part of that verse, which is the best part. "But the gift of God is eternal life!" God had sent His Son and took nonnie's sin and gave her His gift of life, eternal life...she is with Him forever. God tore the curtian in the temple in two (it was 4in. thick and 3 stories high) there is now no barrier between us and God. Jesus is our high priest forever. It really hit my heart in a new way all that God had done for me through Jesus, all because nonnie died.



looking back i know if i weren't ever thinking about myself i could've invested and given more to nonnie and pop. i wish i had lived 100% in the days there with them because God could've used me even more to pour out His love to them. why was i so worried about my future - it rendered me not as effective in the present. i will never have a chance to serve them again but i pray that any time i serve others now it will be with all i have.
I will always miss nonnie. i have dreams of her now sometimes that she is all dressed up or playing in a concert. i loved getting to be her chauffeur. We often talked about me driving her around one day when i grew up - and it happened. (one time i drove her across town. she had to lie down on the back seat. everytime i would hit the smallest bump, and i was missing everything i could, she would make a painful 'oh' sound. and i just couldn't believe how weak she was)
you never know what may happen in this life and it's often wierd. but the Lord somehow always breaks through.
I feel so privelaged to have had the grandmother i did. she really loved the Lord and really loved others because she had received much from Jesus. Out of all that she did and was i so appreciated how she was so able to tell you just what she thought, even if you didn't want to hear it. she was black and white and would speak truth. even still you always knew she loved you, and accepted you unconditionally and she wouldn't let up being involved in your life. her concern and care was always evident....how did she do that? i always think about it. truly a character trait of Jesus i need.



probably one of the coolest things that nonnie and i ever did together was go to the oasis of hope in mexico...
in the summer of 2008 i was visiting my friend heather in NY. we went to a random church on sunday morning. this lady got up and started quoting from phil 2. "everyone should look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others." immediately i felt the Lord say, "your going to play guitar for cancer patients." i wrote it down in my Bible because nothing that clear has ever happened to me. i went back to lynchburg and started trying to volunteer at hospitals, but it just never worked out. "hum..." i thought.
so i moved home and forgot about it. then when nonnie and i were at the oasis of hope, a cancer treatment facility in mexico we both went around and ministered to people through music. nonnie would sing and i would play. people would say how blessed they were. i played classical guitar for people and they said it was soo peaceful. while i was their it all came to me..."OHHHHH, this is what God meant. this was His plan!" and boy, it was sooooo huge. way bigger than my little volunteer plan. it was sweet really and opened doors. because when people are in pain and mentally disterbed by their illness they don't want to talk alot. so playing music for them is perfect. what a ministry. and we were able to talk to them afterwards about the Lord and encourage them in Him.
I was also able to witness to several people through my music. i learned that it's important not to try and put feet to things God tells you, but to prayerfully look for the place He is leading to fulfill His word to you. God give the word and God fulfills the word. it's all His work, non is mine.

Praise the LORD!...
btw, the date on this post is when i first started to write this entry...took me a while. i'm pretty good at taking my time.